Don't give your life away

"You're so easy to read. There's nothing new in you. You don't stand from the crowd at all. And you fall way too easily. Whether it's in love, or away from this world, you just can't control your feelings at all. And I hate that."

That's exactly what he told me. What he said. At first I was naturally hurt, because my friends were always telling me how kind and special I was. But then, I figured it out. He wanted me to make myself a better person. And this is where my training started.

So, I had to become less emotional, and more unique. Or at least, that's what I got from that. What if I was wrong? Well then I'll just have to start all over.

You probably already guessed, but I'm in love with him. It's not the kind of crush, were you admire the other's looks or intelligence. No, I knew the real him behind the cool front. I had known him ever since we were 3-year-olds, all the way 'till 6th grade, but when we went to lower secondary school, and started 7th grade, he suddenly started to ignore me.

I know it wasn't anything personal, he just had new friends, and he thought I would embarrass him somehow, that would cost him his new friends, and his image of being the cool kid.

Yes, he was after fame and a lot of shallow friends, instead of one meaningful friendship with a childhood friend. I can't really blame him, I would probably do the same thing. But he didn't have to be mean about it, he could have said it straight. But he never did. And I'd gotten hurt lots of times before, too, because of it.

And of course by now you've already figured out the ending, I'm going to change into someone else, and he shouts that he likes me the way I was. Or, that's the predictable ending. Let's see how this one goes, shall we?

Melinda had a plan, and she was going to stick to it, even if it would take the last of her. She wanted to get her childhood friend, Michael, back. And the way she saw it, she needed to change. A lot.

Her friends told her, she was crazy, losing it, but she thought she was finally thinking clearly. The first thing to change: hair, make up and clothes. She'd never worn make up, so it was completely new thing for her, but it opened so many doors, she had to try it out.

She decided to wore classy make up, nothing too special, but nothing too ordinary either.

And for hair, that had always been dead straight, she made appear beautiful curls, not the kind every second girl has, but completely different. They were small, and the space between them was longer than in most curls. She also cut herself a fringe.

And for clothes, she chose whatever looked cute, fun, pretty. She'd always wanted to try those clothes, and she spent many hours in the shops dreaming of wearing them, but she never had the courage to buy anything. But now she finally had the courage, and she thought they looked pretty good on her.

And then she learned to be distant, not to show her emotions so freely. This was a difficult task. She somehow got her friends help her with this, but still it took over a month.

But then, finally, she was ready. She walked to school with steady, long strides, and held her head up high, so everyone could see the new her.

She headed to the front of the cafeteria, where Michael usually hung out. She sneaked behind the bushes, that were placed near the cafeteria entrance, and then, like she was just casually walking by, walked in front of Michael.

"Hi", she said in a steady voice, like it wasn't a big deal.

"What the hell are you doing?" Michael spitted out of his mouth.

"I just thought I'd come to hang out with you guys. I've changed, as you can see. Not the same old nobody", I was so certain it would go just perfectly.

"Get the hell out of my way", his voice was cold, and words hard. She suddenly felt a sharp pain in her chest. Desperation started to get the best of her.

"But you wanted me to change. You said, you hated my old self, so I changed! Is it not good enough? Tell me what to do, and I'll do it!" I almost screamed a little hysterical.

"I said those things, not only because they were true, but also because I'm sick and tired of your ugly face. I'm tired of your yapping. I'm tired of you. I don't ever wanna see you again. And if you keep following me, so God help me, I'll transfer as far as possible, just to get rid of you. I despise you. You make me sick."

This time I knew he meant it. Truly. I guess I was in a shock, because I calmly said 'okay' and then slowly walked away. I didn't go back to my friends. I didn't go back to school. I went to the river nearby, instead. I don't know what I thought of doing, maybe I was just out of my mind. Crazy. An idiot.

Yes. That's what I was. A total idiot. A moron.

I couldn't even cry, I only felt the sharp, stabbing pain inside of me, and the empty hole in my heart. But somehow I managed to gather myself up and I went home. I looked at the picture of me and Michael when we were only 8-year-olds. And then it all came down. I cried so hard, I'd never cried that hard.

But when it was over, I knew it was already fading away, and that I'd be okay in no time. Soon, I'd get to go to high school outside of this city, find more friends and new love. Probably more than one, too. This wasn't such a big of a deal as I had thought at the beginning. It was just one of the many times I'd get hurt. I just needed to get past this.

But still I felt the horrible pain inside of me, and I wanted to throw up and, hopefully, choke while doing so. But I'd get over this. In time. I managed to smile a little. My friends had been so right. From this day onward, I'd listen to them first before making a silly decision like this one.

I washed the make up away, changed my clothes to more comfortable and light clothing, brushed my curls away with a wet brush, and went downstairs to eat some ice cream.

I'd probably take a few days off school, I felt I needed it. So badly. Tomorrow I'd had to go through this all again, but it was tomorrows worry. Today I felt good about myself, was proud of who I was and of my friends, who still hadn't left me after all the crazy things I had done, and most of all, I was proud that I got in control of myself so quickly.

No one said it's easy, but I did it, nonetheless. I sent a text message to one of my friends, saying I'd take a couple of days off.

It was the next day. I woke up to the sun shining through my eyelids and opened my eyes, ready for the new day. Then I remembered what had happened yesterday. Desperation and pain got the best of me again. I heard the doorbell ring, but I don't remember going downstairs to open the door. But when I opened it, all of my friends were there, with lots of comfort food and sweets, and apologetic smiles on their faces.

"This day is just for us girls. And you get to decide what we're going to do", one of them said.

Tears came into my eyes, and I smiled the purest smile I'd ever had. I hugged them all, and then we spent the rest of the day talking and laughing and eating, a lot. It was a really good day, and I got a lot of help and support from them. Even though the pain inside me didn't disappear anywhere, I was still really happy they were there, that I had such good friends.

I had a better life, than I could have ever gotten with Michael.

The end was too predictable? Something sounded too stupid? It wasn't right? Tell me your opinion, and I'll try to fix it! And thank you for reading this story : ) it was done in a sprung of a moment, so it's not a very good story, but it still is close to my heart, somehow, I can really relate to Melinda : )

Missing you Part 3

Why had I come today? What was in it for me?

I had spent the whole day in an office, but nothing good came out of it. Not yet, at least.

I had been told, that he'd be here now. But I did not see him. Was it a lie? A trick to get me on my toes?

I walk back to the station, frustrated. I hear the words in my head.

"Calm down, we have time. Go again tomorrow"

And a smile.

His words play in my head, and I feel a throbbing pain in my chest.

Why did he not come? Did he hear that I was coming, too?

Whatever it was, I want to forget it all.

Eat a bucket of ice cream.

Write something stupid in my diary.

Call a friend and laugh to something that doesn't make sense.

Yes. That's what I am going to do.

And afterwards I will feel much better.

I will forget him again, for some time.

I suddenly wake up from a dream. Tears in my eyes.

He was never there for me, never. Not when I needed him the most. And now I do not even know him. I wish I knew him. I want to understand his reasons, why he left me like that.

Like what? I cannot remember.

In the dream, everything was so clear. I knew everything about my past, and his.

But now it was all a blur of feelings. I could not even remember my name. Where am I, anyway?

It is a house on an island, but that is the only piece of land as far as the eye can see.

I have been here now two days. I have not eaten anything since I woke up in here.

I go look for the kitchen. There I find a fridge. It is stocked with food. Or, ingredients.

I take a package of pieces of meat, butter, cream and some old sliced potatoes.

I put the potatoes in the microwave, and find a frying pan for the other ingredients. Then I start doing the one thing I would never forget, not even if my memory was erased. Cooking.

I had always known how to cook. From the very first time I was big enough for my mother to let me in front of the stove, I had cooked simple, delicious food. I just mixed what I knew, again and again. And it always, always turned out to be good. It is like a sixth sense. I just know what goes well with everything.

The food is ready. I put some of it in a plate, and go sit on the sofa. There is a dining room, but it feels too big and lonely, and so formal, so I decide to go to the smaller living room.

I do not want to put on the tv. A good book would maybe be the right choice, but I did not see any books on my way to the kitchen, and I am too tired to go look for them now.

Instead, I take a deep breath and enjoy the silence.

It has been silent for a long time now, but my head has been a mess of screaming memories, and the cooking made my head clear for a moment. So I decide to take the best of it.

Missing you Part 2

We were having a fight.

You were yelling to me, face all flushed.

I just cried there, could not say anything in response.

But it only made you angrier.

Finally you ran out of the apartment we were in, and I was left there, humiliated before my friends.

Our first fight.

Ever.

It had been a couple of years since we had moved together.

I should have seen it coming. No one is saved from fights in a relationship. I guess thats what this was. A relationship. The word made me feel a little better.

I suddenly remember that day, like something would have reminded me of it.

We were invited to my friends' place for dinner, to get to know him, but I had acted stupid earlier that day. I cannot remember what I had done. But it had made him angry, mad, so mad, that he yelled before people. He never did that. Not even when a couple of guys tried to hit on me. And he had been really mad that day.

I cannot remember what he had said to me, what he had yelled. Did it matter? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't know.

Do I even care?

I should care, right?

My head feels heavy all of a sudden.

Maybe I just need some sleep, it is late. I have an early morning tomorrow, anyway.

But why am I leaving so early? Where am I going? I just know I have something to do, something important.

Could it be about.. him?

I change and go to bed, about to think about him again, but when my head hits the pillow, I fall asleep. Deep, nurturing sleep.

Too soon, tomorrow comes knocking on the door of my mind.

Missing you Part 1

I am walking down the street that has trees on both sides to make it the perfect spot to walk by in the fall when the leaves are colored so beautifully. Even in spring, summer and winter it is a beautiful place too. I remember walking it down thousands of times before.

With someone.

But I cannot remember who.

The only thing I remember is that there was someone. But where is that person now? Why is that person not with me? Why? What happened?

I don't know.

So I go back to humming that lullaby I know from somewhere, I do not know where. It is so beautiful, I never get bored of it. I just wish I would knew where I could get it so that I could listen to it when someone else than myself sings. I bet it is even more beautiful then.

A memory.

"It sounds the most beautiful when you sing it."

I stumble to a stop. Who said that? I cannot remember. My head starts to ache. I try to forget the whole thing and start walking again. Maybe I will remember someday, but now is not the time for that. I know it deep inside of me. Not yet. But someday. Suddenly I feel all warm inside. I crack a little smile. Just between you and me.

2011

Happy New Year! Sorry I haven't written in a while, I'll try to come up with something soon! Baibai : D